Tough Love

 My word of the year suffered last month. I find that the harder I try to change certain things I know need to be changed, the harder it is to do so. I've been letting certain people, mainly family members, get under my skin. I've had less than loving thoughts and feelings towards them. None of which are justifiable. It's just been.......hard!

There are a couple of girls in Activity Days that drive me crazy. The more I've learned about them and the kind of home they come from, the more I can see why they act the way they do. This is what I try to remember when I find patience wearing thin. I think sometimes the people who are the hardest for us to love are the ones that need it most. Especially children.

Here are a few scriptures that have helped me:

 Moroni 7:47
 But charity is the pure love of Christ, and it endureth forever; and whoso is found possessed of it at the last day, it shall be well with him.

1 John 4:18

 There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love.

Romans 13:10

Love worketh no ill to his neighbour: therefore love is the fulfilling of the law.

1 John 4:16

 And we have known and believed the love that God hath to us. God is love; and he that dwelleth in love dwelleth in God, and God in him.

Love encompasses so many things. I know that having the kind of love the Lord wants us to can only come through him. I think I may have chosen the word of a lifetime.  And I have a long way to go.

I Just Don't Know.....

So, I knew this whole word of the year thing was not going to be easy. I knew this was going to be a challenge. But I like a challenge. I think?

I find it the hardest to love myself. I knew this would be the case. I just don't know how to do it. I don't know how to give myself a break.  Can I truly love others when I see myself as worthless? How will my sons learn to be confident and strong when I am not? I don't want them to end up like me!! I'm not fishing for compliments. I'm being completely honest. I don't know how to go about this. Where to start? How does one overcome years of destructive/negative thinking about ones self?

I know I don't want to be this way any longer. I want to be able to make mistakes and forgive myself. I want to be comfortable in my own skin.

 Please, don't feel sorry for me. I'm not looking for that. I don't want that. This is just one of the many struggles I have to go through. This is going to be a journey and, I expect, a long one.

One Year. One Word.

I've intended to post about our Christmas. But something else has been on my mind. Something I can't shake.

My friend, Tawnya, is a genius. On her blog, she wrote about how she chose to focus on one word throughout the year instead of a list of resolutions. I LOVE this!! I've never been one for the whole resolution thing. I would do it. I would make my list and then forget about it in a month (or sooner!) It would leave me feeling overwhelmed and frustrated because there was so much I wanted to do/be and I just couldn't pick one thing to focus on. I felt like I had to do it all at once.

But ONE word. There are so many words! How could I chose just one? I've thought and thought about what my word should be. What is it that I need most, right now?

LOVE

That is my word. Love in thought, word and deed.  More love for others, my Father in Heaven and Jesus Christ and (the one that scares me most) learning to love myself. If I could win an award for being hard on myself, I would win gold. Several times over.

I'm scared. I've thought about other words but love keeps coming back. It's the one. It's already challenging and I wonder how I'm going to do it. I wonder how I will change?