When The Rain Came Down....

 I feel pain when I see newborn babies and think that that might never again happen for me. I don't have physical problems that keep this from happening. I went through postpartum depression with Cameron. I can NOT go through that again. It was my own personal hell.  It didn't happen right away. I think it started when Cam was around four or five months old. It lasted for a good year. Or more. I can't really remember.....

 Coming out of it was literally like waking up. What had I done that past year? Pretty much just went through the motions. It was so hard on John and Porter.  It changed me. I don't know if I'll ever be the same again. It's a big reason why I can't seem to make and keep friends.  It's just pathetic. I feel pathetic. When I actually get the nerve to open up to someone about this, I'm told things like, "If you have faith everything will work out. You can do it..."  I know that these are meant to be words of encouragement. They mean well but don't get it. It's not that simple. I guess I do lack faith. Faith that I can handle another child. That I won't fall back into my deep hole, in a stupor. Just...numb. True, I may not go through that again. But I don't want to chance it. 

 My pregnancies are cake. My hard times come after the baby is born. Porter had colic for six months. SIX! All the emotions of being a first time mom on top of that and ya, I'm surprised I didn't go into a depression with him. Then post partum with Cameron. I can't help but think, what will I have to go through next time? A child with down syndrome? Autism? Some other trial I'm supposed to go through that will make me "stronger?" I know how negative that is. I shouldn't think like that. But I can't help it. This fear is real. It may seem silly. It's not. I may seem bitter. I'm not. I'm afraid. Because I still feel like part of Camille is lost.  I used to be fun. I knew who I was and what I wanted. Now, I'm not sure what I am...... But I keep fighting, trying to find out.

Weekly Rundown

Monday: My eyes finally started looking normal and not like something out of a horror flick.

Tuesday: WHEEEEEE!!!! Castle marathon, anyone? I just started watching this season. One episode and I was hooked. I can't wait for it to start again next fall!

Wednesday: Hilary's graduation. She's shaking hands with the guy handing out the diplomas. Seventy seniors this year. Hooray for small towns!



Thursday: Hung out at my parents house all day. My good friend, Wendy, came over for a visit with her little nine month old daughter. It was the first time I met her little girl. She was so fun. It was so good to catch up! It's nice to have friends that you can reconnect with after years and it's as if nothing has changed.

Friday: Still in Malad. I started reading The Help. Totally loving it!

Saturday: Hmmmmm....don't remember much about that day...

Sunday: German Pancakes. The boys like to call them "mountain pancakes."

Love/Hate Relationship

I think my dad wanted me to be a boy. One word: Hunting.

I went with my dad on so many hunting trips. As I got older the only reason I went was for the hiking, which I love, and the company of my dad. It was something we did together. I prayed that Bambi and his friends would be nowhere in the vicinity of my dad and his rifle. I have so many hunting stories. Some of them fun. Some sad. Some that scared me senseless. I loved it when we would get to the top of the mountain and I could look around. So beautiful!

Fall was my favorite time to go. One of the guys my dad went with had a couple of girls around my age. They would send us down into the brush to scare out any deer that might be there. We would literally slide down the mountain side in a bed of leaves. It was a blast! Those where the good times.

Hunting made me hate guns. They scare me. I often wondered why I kept going. Simple, really. That was just how much I wanted to be with my dad. Even if it was doing something with him that I didn't care for.

Random Confessions

I love when I see a super cute bathing suit. Then I try it on.....

I love Australia. Someday I will go there. And Hugh Jackman better be waiting.

I'm obsessed with cookbooks.

Kids in glasses just melt my heart. Not that I'm biased or anything.

Old people. Love them. Except when they're mean. And driving.

Breakfast is the best meal of the day.

I miss dancing. Real dancing. Not the kind I do in my kitchen.

I don't think we'll ever have pets.  I hate the mess, the smell, the extra expense...... I once flushed a perfectly healthy betta because I was so sick of cleaning the bowl every other day.

I really do love animals.

I miss school. I need to go back...

Weekly Rundown

Monday: Had Porters stitches taken out.

Tuesday: Cameron's eye doctor appointment. We have to decide when to do surgery. I'm dreading it. The thought makes my stomach turn.

Wednesday: Painting. This is Porter's version of the flying lanterns in Tangled.

Thursday: I caved and went to the doctor. Pink eye and horrid allergies. Pink eye sucks. It's gross. And it hurts.

Friday: Porter is taken to the doctor and has a double ear infection. I'm sensing a theme here....

Saturday: Porters pre-school graduation. We didn't know if he would be up to it but after a good nights sleep and antibiotics, he was as good as new! We found out that this was Teacher Barbara's last year doing pre-school. Sad!  I was looking forward to Cameron having her as a teacher. We love her and she was so good for Porter!

Sunday: Train Time!

I also finished reading Life of Pi. Despite being a little slow, at first, I really liked it. I will definitely read it again.

Proof I'm A Dork

I saw this cookbook in Kitchen Kneads one day and the little kid in me jumped for joy! But I was not going to pay $25 for it. Cue Amazon! $10. Oh, ya!

It's a fun cookbook.  It includes food mentioned from various Harry Potter books and gives a little history along with each recipe. Chapters include: Breakfast Before Class, Treats from the Train and Good Food with Bad Relatives, just to name a few. My dad even had fun flipping through this. He served his mission in Scotland so there were actually quite a few recipes he was familiar with. I have yet to try a recipe from this book. The English Trifle sounds divine. I'll pass on the Steak and Kidney Pudding and Haggis.

MMM, MMM, Good!

This was our dinner last night. I got the recipe from the Farmers Market, last year. It makes my mouth happy. And it's pretty. I love it when food is aesthetically pleasing.

Spicy Black Bean Salad
2 15 oz cans black beans, drained and rinsed
2 cups frozen corn, thawed
1 cup celery, chopped
3/4 cup green onion, chopped
2 cups tomatoes, chopped
1 green pepper, chopped
1/4 cup fresh cilantro, chopped
Brown rice or Quinoa cooked and cooled (6 cups)

Dressing
1/3 cup red wine vinegar
1/3 cup olive oil
1 tsp Tabasco sauce
1/2 tsp cumin
2 tsp salt
1/2 tsp pepper

Combine everything but the rice or quiona in a large bowl. Whisk together ingredients for the dressing and pour over bean mixture. Add pre-cooked and cooled rice or quinoa. Serve well chilled.

This makes one big salad. The flavor just gets better the longer it sits. I know what I'll be having for lunch the next couple days.

Angel Kisses

I've had freckles forever. I was covered with them, as a child. They still dominate my arms but are much less noticeable on my face. I didn't think much of them, until I started school. Kids would ask, "What are all those brown things?" Some of them looked at me like I had a disease. I became pretty self conscious and started to hate my freckles. Nothing my parents said made me feel much better.

Fast forward to a special Stake Conference. James E. Faust was the quest of honor. As you can guess, there was a huge line to meet him after it was over. My dad was helping put chairs away and suggested to my mom that she take me up. She almost didn't do it. I was a little nervous and was half way hiding behind her. As we got close, I looked up into his face. "Oh, my!" President Faust, said. "Look at all those beautiful angel kisses! You know, only special children get those. You have so many. The angels must know your extra special."  My little brain grabbed onto that and didn't let go. It was ok to have freckles! No, angel kisses! An apostle told me so.

I will never forget that experience. As I got into the teenage years, I would find myself wishing for beautiful, tan, flawless skin. Skin free of  freckles. Then I would remember that they're "angel kisses" and it wasn't so bad. Thank You, President Faust, for making that little, seven year old girl feel special.

The Siblings

I'm the oldest of four children. There are nine years between me and my sister, Michelle. Long story short, my mom had endometriosis, among other things. Doctors said she probably wouldn't be able to have more kids. My parents decided to take the path of adoption. They were just waiting for a phone call, when they found out my mom was pregnant. We were all thrilled, to say the least! Two more kids followed. I think it's funny that not one of us children was planned. I was a honeymoon baby. HA! Then Michelle. Hilary came 21 months later and Joshua was born when I was sixteen. Yep, that's us.

Michelle is hilarious! She always makes me laugh! She is the queen of movie quotes. She's currently a sophomore at BYU-Idaho. She's majoring in English but debating on whether to change it to music. She's brilliant at the piano. It's so soothing to hear her play. Her favorite band is Journey. She loves volleyball and everything about the 80's. She's just plain fun! And I miss her.

Hilary, Hilary, the epitome of  drama. She's all girl. She loves clothes and shoes. Her hair has to be perfect. She loves horses. She has worked her way up in rodeo royalty, winning queen last year! She also plays the piano. She is graduating next week and will be attending ISU majoring in culinary arts. She loves to bake and her dream would be to open her own bakery. Oh, and she would die without her phone.



Josh, the baby and only boy of the family, is obsessed with video games. Truly. He's been called Steve Jr. A lot. He really is just a much younger version of my dad. He's in eighth grade. He plays the trumpet and piano.  He's so loving. He'll just give me a hug for no reason. He's also very blunt. But he speaks the truth in such a way that it's hard to get upset with him. He lives to pick on Hilary. He's going to be so bored when she leaves.

That's them, in a nutshell. I love 'em and am pretty protective of them. I had to wait a long time! I would do anything I could for them. And I hope they know that.

The age difference is sometimes hard for me. At times I still feel like an only child. Hard to explain. However, I know this was how it was meant to be for our family. And I'm sure I'll never know the reason why?



Life Lessons Learned from What About Bob?

1. Baby steps. Set small reasonable goals.
2. Take a vacation from your problems.
3. Always compliment your host/hostess at dinner. MMMMMMMM!!
4. When in doubt, shout turrets.
5. Untie your knots or else you'll explode!
6. Always carry a barf bag, for those false alarms.
7. If your afraid of sailing, just tie yourself to the mast. AHOY!
8. Your corn should be of the hand shucked variety.
9. Never give up hope when doing the heimlich.
10. Don't hassle the locals.
11. Never leave your spouse because they like Neil Diamond.
12. While rubbing your temples, repeat, as often as necessary: I feel good. I feel great. I feel wonderful.
13. If you see someone clothed in black, they may be in mourning for their lost childhood.
14. You know your family has problems if you have to communicate through hand puppet versions of each other.

 Watch What About Bob? when you can't sleep. Because everything is funnier at 2 am.

This and That

First of all...what happened to my post from yesterday?! It's just.... gone! Anyone else have this problem, while Blogger was having issues yesterday?

Moving on.....

This chocolate. Buy some and thank me later.

Currently reading this.

I'm trying to be brave and buy me a new dress. It's more of a need than a want. Sometimes it stinks being a perpetual tomboy.

I love this workout. Awesome!

This song seems to be the anthem of my life, lately. The lyrics are spot on.

Where I come from...

There's beauty like this.

With a quaint house in the middle of it all. The same one that my dad and his siblings grew up in. So many memories within these walls...

An old John Deere that still runs

This is the Stayner Farm. A place where I can go and always feel at peace. A place where the boys can run around, explore and get as dirty as they want. Whenever I'm here, there are no worries. I can count on my Grandma asking twenty times in a thirty minute period, "Are you sure your not hungry? I think I have some popsicles in the cellar....Do you want a cookie?" I don't have one bad memory here. This, to me, is a little piece of heaven on earth. A piece that I don't visit nearly often enough. It truly feels like home.

That's Classic!

I love classic TV. And when I think classic TV, I think of shows like I Love Lucy, M*A*S*H, Gilligans Island, MacGyver.....you get the idea. Go here to see lists of shows and other fun stuff. There were a lot I had forgotten about.

I'm going to share a clip from one of my favorite I Love Lucy episodes. This is by far my favorite old series. In this episode, Ricky is convinced he's going bald. Lucy decides to give him "torture treatments" in hopes that he'll forget the whole thing and realize how much hair he has.  I hope it makes you laugh. Or at least smile. I never cease to get a kick out it!

So, do you have any favorite classic TV shows? What did you watch way back when?

Emergency FHE

I would like to say that I'm always prepared for Monday nights but that's not the case. Sometimes I scramble. I put the boys in the tub last night and tried to think of a topic we hadn't covered in a while. Then I heard THE cry. The one where you know it's more than just a scratch. John was already in the bathroom when I walked in. There was blood. Porter slipped in the tub, whacked his chin and split it open. Great. We asked him if he wanted mom or dad to take him to the hospital. He chose me and I was glad.

I sped to the ER. Porter was terrified. I could see it in his eyes. "Mommy, it hurts! It hurts really bad!" Over and over he kept saying this and all I could do was reassure him that it was all going to be OK. We got signed in, went back in our room and waited. I was sitting on the bed with him and asked if he wanted to say a prayer. "NNNNNOOOO, Mom, I'm hurt. I can't say a prayer!" I smiled and told him I would do it. I prayed for him to feel at peace and help him be brave when they put the stitches in. Just a few quick words spoken to Heavenly Father and Porter calmed down, completely. "Mom, I feel better," he said to me when I finished. We talked about the Holy Ghost and how we can always say a prayer where ever we are. And Heavenly will always hear our prayers. It was a great moment. Well, about as great as you can get when your holding a bleeding child....

The remainder of our two hour stay passed without many tears. I had to hold them back when the doctor was putting in the medicine that would numb the wound. We had a great doctor who talked to Porter the whole time and she told him everything that she was doing. He couldn't of cared less. He was too busy trying to watch Finding Nemo. Eight stitches later and we were on our way home.

This was not my first experience with stitches. We were there with Cameron, last year....

Still all smiles. Nothing keeps this kid down.

I hope I survive having boys. But, more importantly, I'm thankful for the teaching experience I had with my oldest son. And for the reminder that prayers are heard and answered.



My boys

I swear, this was just yesterday.

And then this happened...

I'm so glad that they have each other. Once Porter decided it was OK to have a brother, they've been inseparable. Cameron just wants to do everything Porter does. They love each other, most days. Sometimes I'll find Porter snuggled with Cam in his bed. It makes my heart happy. They are both pretty happy go lucky kids. When they get bored, things like this happen...

 Just embrace it, I told myself. They even had fun sucking up all that shredded paper with the vacuum hose.

 Life with little boys is an adventure in itself.

Change of Posts

I had a lovely little post typed up about the story of why there is a huge age gap between me and my siblings. It was heart felt. I was almost done and I accidentally pushed a wrong button. Gone. All of it. This took me back to college days when the same thing happened with a research paper. Oh, the anguish!!! And now I don't know if I want to do it over. It's times like this that I wish I had a punching bag...

It Starts..

 After many months of deciding whether or not to start a blog, I'm going for it. Why not? I realize I'm probably one of the last to do so. It seems that everyone has some kind of blog. I don't know if it's for me but I'm going to try my hand at it.  I need something just for me. A release. And I really don't know where to start.... 

I guess I'll do a little bit of background. I was born and raised in Malad, Idaho. A hick town with a population of about 4,000, give or take. I graduated in 2000 along with a whopping 82 others. I headed right off to Ricks/BYU-Idaho. I was there for two years and loved every minute. I married my husband, John, in July of 2002. We wanted to stay in Rexburg for school but it wasn't going to work out. Logan seemed to be the best option. Not to far from John's work and there was the University close by. I found work at the JCPenny portrait studio. For the most part, I loved it! It was great birth control. I started school up at Utah State, taking night classes while I gained residency. I was totally planning on the whole finish school before I had kids thing, but it didn't happen. Our first son Porter was born in 2005 and our second, Cameron, in 2008. 

Some of my favorite things: Cheesecake, sunrises, a good pair of jeans, music that makes me want to bust a move, exercise, my grandparents farm, my dad's dry sense of humor, movies, getting lost in a book and  Australian accents,  just to name a few.

Well, I hope my first post hasn't bored you to tears. I'm open to ideas to make things more interesting. If there's anything you really want to know about me, just ask. Over and out!