I feel pain when I see newborn babies and think that that might never again happen for me. I don't have physical problems that keep this from happening. I went through postpartum depression with Cameron. I can NOT go through that again. It was my own personal hell. It didn't happen right away. I think it started when Cam was around four or five months old. It lasted for a good year. Or more. I can't really remember.....
Coming out of it was literally like waking up. What had I done that past year? Pretty much just went through the motions. It was so hard on John and Porter. It changed me. I don't know if I'll ever be the same again. It's a big reason why I can't seem to make and keep friends. It's just pathetic. I feel pathetic. When I actually get the nerve to open up to someone about this, I'm told things like, "If you have faith everything will work out. You can do it..." I know that these are meant to be words of encouragement. They mean well but don't get it. It's not that simple. I guess I do lack faith. Faith that I can handle another child. That I won't fall back into my deep hole, in a stupor. Just...numb. True, I may not go through that again. But I don't want to chance it.
My pregnancies are cake. My hard times come after the baby is born. Porter had colic for six months. SIX! All the emotions of being a first time mom on top of that and ya, I'm surprised I didn't go into a depression with him. Then post partum with Cameron. I can't help but think, what will I have to go through next time? A child with down syndrome? Autism? Some other trial I'm supposed to go through that will make me "stronger?" I know how negative that is. I shouldn't think like that. But I can't help it. This fear is real. It may seem silly. It's not. I may seem bitter. I'm not. I'm afraid. Because I still feel like part of Camille is lost. I used to be fun. I knew who I was and what I wanted. Now, I'm not sure what I am...... But I keep fighting, trying to find out.
I HATE the "if you just have faith" talks. I can't tell you how many people gave them to me after Sammy. You know what? Sometimes it has nothing to do with faith and everything to do with biology. Not everyone is meant to have as many kids as they desire. They.Are.Just.Not. And it has nothing to do with righteousness. The Lord is bound by biology. Period. Do miracle occur? Sure. But if you've prayed and feel you can't do it, there's your answer. Sometimes it has nothing to do with having another kid and everything with having faith that NO is sometimes the answer.
ReplyDeleteSigh...clearly this is a nervy topic for me!
I just want you to know that I have been there, I am still there and I totally understand. Sometimes being told to have faith is not helpful. I hope that you will know I am here if you ever need a shoulder. (((((hugs))))) Seriously.
ReplyDeleteI have to tell you I enjoy your blog Camille! You are so fun. I can relate SO much to what you talked about in this post. I went through the same thing with my kids, and you are right, it is hard on the whole family. I worry about the same thing of having more kids, and if I could really handle it... emotionally. As much as I want to have kids, I have those same fears. I don't ever want to be in that horrible place again. I don't think you can understand it unless you have personally been through it. And I know what you mean when you say you may never be the same again, because I have thought that very same thing!! I never realized that we had this in common, it is something that I have rarely ever talked about with anyone. I do wish you the best, and if you find some way to overcome it, please share!
ReplyDeleteI totally understand! At least you didn't go batty and leave your husband, and go get a tattoo and just go crazy! It took me a long time to be brought back to earth. I'm not the same person either! I'm better! And so are you!!! God is molding you into who you are supposed to be. I just tell myself, "it's all a part of his plan." *hugs* If you ever need to talk, you know how to reach me!
ReplyDeletePostpartum Depression is Hell. Sorry you had to suffer through it too. Depression itself is bad enough but then throw a new baby and everyone's unsolicited advice on how to feel better and love your baby and and and.... ugh. I'm really nervous that #3 is going to be the worst yet. Which is also why I hate when people ask if we're going to try for a girl (we have 2 boys and this third will round it out to 3). Just my two cents. Glad I'm not alone in the PPD area.
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